What patterns can you identify in your conflicts? Do they fit with any of the models we have discussed?
One of the big recurring patterns I am seeing lately is this need for me to be in control--like I am a lot more likely to start a fight or start antagonising/failing to try to modulate someone else's antagonism if I feel like my control is threatened. For example, right now a recent graduate is visiting campus and I am planning to stay in my room and avoid her all weekend because we got into an argument my freshman year when she took my control away from me. It was a situation where she was probably right to have done that, and it was a long time ago, but I still refuse to talk with her unless there's no way I can avoid it, because I'm still extremely resentful of her for removing my control of the situation.
Actually, on reconsideration I think that might be more of a theme, but something that I think is a pattern is the fact that a lot of the time I try to make sure conflicts end as peacefully as possible, even when I'm still mad. I like to get them over quickly and to try and make sure as few relationships are damaged as possible, and one of the results is that the conflict ends but I'm often still resentful or feel like I haven't really addressed my issue. I think that plays into the situation I mentioned above--I think she felt (and feels) like conflict A ended after her behaviour ended in situation A for me, but I'm actually still really upset about it, so in a way conflict B is still playing out under the surface, even if she isn't aware of it.
That fits with the first model we discussed on Tuesday, where conflicts can look like they're over, but the conditions have actually set up the next conflict to begin.
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